31 March 2013

G.I. Joe: Retaliaion

Back in 2007, Hasbro, a toy company, saw big money with the success of Transformers.  So, they decided to greenlight a G.I. Joe film, which came out in 2009.  It sucked.  There is no reason to beat around the bush about it.  G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was a terrible, awful piece of cinema.  Yet, the success of Transformers allowed Hasbro and Michael Bay to make two inferior sequels.  With their box office success, Hasbro went ahead and made Battleship last year.  Again, it was a disastrous film of epic proportions.  Despite success only striking Transformers, Hasbro decided that getting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson signed on, and virtually no one else from the original, a G.I. Joe sequel seemed like a viable money maker.  That is why Hasbro has unleashed the punishment that is G.I. Joe: Retaliation.

From the get go, GI Joe 2 is just a bunch of noise and crap.  The premise is simple.  At the end of the first one, the bad guy master of disguise Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) has assumed the identity of the President (Jonathan Pryce).  There is trouble in the Middle East, and the President sends in the Joe’s to secure some nuclear warheads.  He then double crosses them, killing all but Roadblock (Johnson), Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki), and Flint (D.J. Cotrona).

Meanwhile, the President/Zartan questions the real President as to the secret location of the prison holding Cobra Commander and Destro.  Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) infiltrates the secret prison disguised as Snake Eyes, and frees Cobra Commander (Luke Bracey).  They escape with the aide of Firefly (Ray Stevenson).

So, the Joe’s discover that the President is not really the President, and Roadblock leads them to the misogynist original Joe, General Joe (Bruce Willis).  Together, with Snake Eyes (Ray Park), who had to go train with Jynx (Elodie Yung) and Blind Master (RZA), and a few old guys never really shown, they make a plan to save the world and clear their names.

There is just too much stupid in G.I. Joe: Retaliation for me to include in this review.  Painful is the best way to describe the viewing experience.  Rhett Reese and Paul Wernick should never be allowed to write another screenplay.  Jon M. Chu proves that he cannot direct an action movie.  His directorial efforts include, Step Up 2: The Streets, Step Up 3D, The LXD: The Legion of Extraordinary Dancers and its sequel, and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never.  See the pattern?

Finally, the score.  I believe this to be their thinking: We cannot afford Steve Jablonsky from Transformers, so find someone to mimic that score.  Who they found was Henry Jackman, whose theory had to have been, “Everything sounds cooler with a guitar chord!”  It was as if the actor forgot the line, and **TWANG** An action scene was getting ready to start, **THWANG**  It was obnoxious to say the least.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation is a stupid movie that should never have been made.  The lady next to me actually fell asleep and woke herself up with her own snoring.  I hope she is reading this.  Yes, I heard you.  Again, if not for my sister, I probably would have left the theater, but she wanted to stay and watch The Rock.  Like, The Call, I implore you to never watch this film.  NEVER EVER.  It is a turd.  A big, fat, juicy, floating turd.

RATING: 0.5/10