05 July 2012

This Means War


This Means War opened the week I was sick.  My sinuses were kicking my ass.  I should have taken this as a sign.  This Means War is not a good movie.  I rented it from Redbox, and wanted my time (97 minutes) and $1.30 back (Yes, I wasted the extra money on the Blu-Ray).  I was shocked at how bad it was.  I thought the trailer made it look funny and cute.  Nope.

This Means War opens with CIA Agents FDR (Chris Pine) and Tuck (Tom Hardy) working a covert mission.  Things go awry, and bad guy Heinrich (Til Schweiger) escapes, but not before his brother is killed.

We are then introduced to product tester, single white female Lauren (Reese Witherspoon).  Her cantankerous friend Trish (Chelsea Handler) signs her up for online dating without her permission.  At first, Lauren is against it, but then a match hits.  It is Tuck.

Tuck and Lauren go on a date.  FDR stays a few blocks away just in case Tuck and escape plan.  The date goes great, and Lauren goes to rent a movie.  The video store is a few blocks away.  Do you see where this is going?  She meets FDR, and agrees to date him.  Now, best friends Tuck and FDR are dating the same woman.  Get it?  Funny! Nope.

The two CIA agents pull together a CIA team to spy on and mess with the other suitor.  I am sure that the CIA has nothing better to do.  This is my biggest problem with the film.  Why did they have to be CIA agents?  Why couldn’t they just be some private covert agency like Isis?  Get it?  Archer reference. This had to cost money, not to mention it makes the government look worse than it already does.

Meanwhile, Heinrich tracks down FDR through his suit material that he obtained in the opening.  He comes to the US to get even with FDR and Tuck.  This leads to a ridiculous action scene and leaves Lauren with a choice: Tuck or FDR?

None of the acting is worth mentioning in a positive light.  Chris Pine was great in Star Trek. Why not just wait on the sequel?  Tom Hardy is on a roll, and has The Dark Knight Rises and Lawless yet to come this year.  This seems like a setback.  Reese, well, I expected little from her, and she succeeded in being average.  Chelsea Handler is just awful.  That is part of the reason her sit-com got shit-canned already.  The other part is, she is simply not funny.

How McG continues to direct and make movies just amazes me.  This Mean War is not fun, funny, or romantic.  They two suitors literally stalk her, spy on her, and use the government resources to obtain all they can about her.  That is not romantic.  That is creepy, not to mention highly illegal.  I expect more from the writer behind Role Models (Timothy Dowling) and Sherlock Holmes, (Simon Kinberg).  I cannot figure out why they even spent time with the CIA operation on Heinrich.  It really goes nowhere and just seems pointless.  This Means War is not worth the Redbox rental.

RATING: 3/10

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