11 January 2011

Season of the Witch

R.I.P. Nic Cage's Career

15 Aug 1982 - 7 January 2011

Season of the Witch is a terrible movie. There is no other way to put it. No “beating around the bush.” No “It’s so bad it’s good.” It is just plain awful. When it comes to authenticity, I don’t even think writer Bragi F. Schut even knew the definition. This was his first full length screenplay. He wrote Threshold, but it was cancelled before completing its first season, I believe. He has a few shorts under his belt. After this, he will be lucky if I ever waste my time again watching one of his atrocities. The script hurts just to listen to the dialogue. The bad acting doesn’t help, but what they have to work with was just terrible drivel.

Over the past few years, I have been trying to defend Nic Cage’s career. Come on, he won an Academy Award way back in 1996 for Leaving Las Vegas. He was nominated for Adaptation. The man can act. He is the “star” of my favorite action movie of all time, The Rock. On the flip side, Next, Knowing, The Wicker Man, The Weather Man, Lord of War, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin, and on and on the list goes. His career has become a joke. Well, after this piece of garbage, I can no longer defend Mr. Cage and his acting or choices of films. This movie might actually put that final nail in his acting coffin. His only hope now is National Treasure 3.

Then, there is poor Ron Perlman. I do not understand why he took this movie. It doesn’t have the word “Hellboy” in the title. It has nothing to do with his highly successful FX show Sons of Anarchy. Short of roles covering him in prosthetics, his movie career success hinges on the Blade movies. So, I am announcing the death of his movie career as well.

Dominic Sena has not has a nine digit grossing movie since his last collaboration with Cage, and that 2000’s Gone in 60 Seconds. He did have a moderately sucessful film since then with Swordfish, but that’s it. So, he might be done, too.

Season of the Witch opens in 1232 A.D., if memory serves, with some women being accused of consulting with Satan, and practicing witchcraft. They are killed. One comes back from the dead and kills the priest. Why? I don’t know. We then jump to 1332 A.D., if memory serves, to the Crusades. Nic Cage and Ron Perlman are two of the best knights serving the church and crown. After they slay women and children, they become deserters. They finally land in a town overrun with a plague. They get found out as deserters and sent on a journey to take The Girl to the monks to have her tried for witchcraft.

So, a group of six set out. A monk, three knights, an altar boy turned fighter, and the guide. Basically, anything that can go wrong does. All members of the escort face The Girl who makes them question everything. They run into rabid wolves. They battle zombie monks, and finally have a faceoff with some master demon that looks like Dracula from Van Helsing. I am not joking. They ending was a CG borefest with nothing to offer but lame killings, lame deaths, and lamer dialogue.

I could go on about how bad the dialogue was, but why bother. Just believe me when I say, the words “shit,” “piss,” and “bitch” appear in the script. I am fairly certain that they did not have the same meaning, if they were even around, back in the 14th century as they do now. Verdict: I warn you, I saw it for free, and wanted my money back. If this is not at least in the top 3 Worst Movies of 2011, this is going to be a long year.

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