21 June 2010

Jonah Hex


When I first heard about this movie, I was excited. I love westerns. John Malkovich is a great villain. Megan Fox is hot. Josh Brolin is a solid actor. It is a comic book adaptation.

Well, it failed….epically. Jonah Hex might be one of the worst movies I have had the displeasure to have sat through in theaters, ever. Nothing worked. I should have been warned. I did not dig into this movie as I do normally. I would have found out a few things that could have sent up red flags. Would they have stopped me from seeing it? No. But, they would have at least lowered my expectations. Will Arnett is in this as a soldier, and the role is serious. The writers were the same guys that brought us Crank, Crank 2: High Voltage, and Gamer. I love Crank, refused to sit through the sequel, and was let down heavily by Gamer. I feel that they were a one trick-pony. Now, I hear that they are working on the Ghost Rider sequel. It sounded like they tried to write jokes every five or ten lines, and they went over like a lead balloon. And the last red flag, it was only listed at 80 minutes.

As I mentioned above, nothing worked. The story was hard to follow. It just jumped from scene to scene. I am still not sure why Quentin Turnbull (Malkovich) hates Jonah Hex (Brolin). There was something to do with Hex causing the death of his son, Jeb. Jeb was played by an uncredited Jeffery Dean Morgan marking his third comic book adaptation, all of which bombed at the box office. Then there is the character of Lila. Megan Fox looked so out of place in this movie it hurt. As a whore in the old west, I would never picture Megan Fox. Never. Will Arnett was a caricature of a soldier. I am not sure what his point was. He was a good guy that didn’t believe in hiring the bad guy, Hex, to hunt down the other bad guy Turnbull. Why? Who cares? I could write and entire 5 pages on why the story was bad and did not work, but why bother?

I love musical scores. I have not heard one as misplaced since the unfortunate Public Enemies score last summer. The duo of Marco Beltrami and John Powell gave us the old twang of guitars meets Godsmack. And it was down harshly and rough. Twang-twang-twang-BUMP-BUMP-BANG-BANG-THUMP-THUMP-THUMP! Awful.

And finally, what caused the biggest problem? The bad story and screenplay is one thing. The actors can only work with what they have. The music was terrible. But, this was supposed to be a western based on a comic book. I would have thought there would have been some awesome action. I was wrong. The director did not know what he was doing, and it showed. This was his first live action movie to direct, and only his second movie to direct. Before this, he did Horton Hears a Who and worked as an animator at Pixar. Who would have thought he could do this? Apparently, Warner Bros.

Verdict: I cannot stress this enough, do not waste your time. It was awful. If you don’t believe me, it was at a 12% on Rottentomatoes, and it opened with just over $5 million. The one thing I liked, Tom Wopat! Go Luke Duke!

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