The Mummy Didn't Return
Well, I had a free ticket good for Wanted, Incredible Hulk, Hellboy II: The Golden Army or The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. Since I had already seen the first three options, I decided I would go see the fourth and final option. Ten minutes in, I regretted not seeing one of the other three movies for a second time. I cannot remember the last time a movie was this underwhelming. The entire movie seemed as though it was making fun of the fact that this was an embarrassing attempt at reviving this franchise. They should have left it alone after the spin-off Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, The Scorpion King.
It opens with a familiar tone of a voice over telling the tale of Emperor Han, played by Jet Li, and his rise to power. It makes sure you understand that he was a terrible person. He sent his trusted friend and right-hand-man General Ming to find the secret to eternal life. Michelle Yeoh plays Zi Juan, who is beautiful and lusted after by Emperor Han. She also has the secret to eternal life. Unfortunately, she falls for General Ming and he is killed for it. She curses Han and his army, turning them all into terra cotta statues for eternity. Not too bad. This was the end of the opening ten minutes.
Cut to modern times, 1947, and we see that Rick O’Connell, reprised by Brendan Fraiser, is trying to learn to fly fish, but he is terrible at it. There were a few sad attempts at slapstick humor that missed, horribly. Next up, we see Evelyn O’Connell, played by Maria Bello taking over for Rachel Weisz, at a book reading of her second bestseller mummy novel. We then see them together talking about how bored their lives are now that they are retired from the adventuring business.
Finally, we see that Alex, played by newcomer Luke Ford, on a dig in China in search of the opening to the Tomb of the Dragon Emperor. When he finds it, he is attacked by a mysterious Chinese lady. We then see that the parental O’Connell’s are propositioned to return the Eye of Shangri-La to China. The meet up with Evelyn’s brother Jonathan who is living in China and opened a bar called Imhotep’s, the mummy from the first two films incase you forgot. They run into Alex who is there.
From here, it was all pretty formulaic. They raise the mummy. They have to stop the mummy. They travel to exotic locations in the process and have many adventures along the way. These include bad jokes about yaks yakking and Yetis kicking field goals to name a few. Sadly, the scene in the preview about no seatbelts and laughing about it was the only scene I laughed at. I saw it coming and tried not to laugh with all my might, but alas I still laughed. I am ashamed of myself.
The script was written by Alfred Gough and Miles Millar. They were the creators of Smallville. This explained a lot. That show has suffered for the last couple of seasons and so, the creators left. Now they are making terrible movies. It was directed by Rob Cohen, who had a few good shots in the movie, but nothing too memorable. Stephen Sommers wrote and directed the first two and split from this one. As did Rachel Weisz as I mentioned above, and Freddie Boath, who played young Alex in The Mummy Returns. This was a good career move for these three. Sadly, I just read that there are plans for a fourth. Hopefully, this will not happen. If it does, short of another free ticket, I will not be there. Verdict: DUH! Do not waste your time. Go see The Dark Knight again. I have been twice and I plan to see it again. Even my mom has seen it twice!