Hitman couldn't Hit Water Jumping into a Pool
Why be corny live everyone else and say “Hitman Misses” when that is not even strong enough. Not only did it miss, it wasn’t even close. This movie should have been a great bad-action movie. I love action movies. I love bad-action movies, ie. Crank. Hitman was not at all what it should have been. There were few real shots of genius. Get it? Shots….movies….guns. Never mind. The movie opens with a silent montage of the Hitman Order branding and training the “soldiers.” We then cut to the here and now with Agent 47, Timothy Olyphant of Deadwood and Live Free or Die Hard fame, sitting across a desk from Interpol Agent Mike Whittier, Dougray Scott of M:I 2 and Ever After Fame. We then do a familiar Tarantino twist and start at the beginning to find out how we got to this point.
It cuts to an assassination of awesomeness orchestrated by Agent 47. Then we see Agent Whittier talking to the local government about how he has been tracking him. Agent 47 then goes to Russia for the remainder of the film. Here, we see Agent 47 in his signature black suit, white shirt, and red tie assassinate the Russian president Mikhail Belicoff. This is when the movie starts its decline, yet, I was not aware of that fact until then end. It turns out that he is set-up and then the rest of the Hitman Order come after him and he kills them. The start of the plot twists comes early that the president is still alive and ordered the hit on himself. Along the way, he says funny lines and is cold to the woman that he inadvertently saves and then decides to keep alive. She later takes off her shirt for no apparent reason other than to have nudity in the film. It was gratuitous and therefore, could have been left out, but why complain? Henry Ian Cusick, Desmond from Lost, shows up in the role of the Russian president’s brother. That was cool.
The movie lacked clarity in the end as to why I should care. The whole point was that the president had doubles like Saddham Hussein. One of the doubles had the original taken out. So? Why do I care? What was his ulterior motive? Why was this bad? I just didn’t care. So, the verdict: Rent it. Why waste your money? Again, I wonder why they make movies based on video games. This cost an estimated $70 million and will cap out at $45 million if lucky, domestically. I just don’t get it. If there is this much extra money lying around Hollywood, I have a few ideas that cold be done for around $10 million. Any takers?